"Wie viel ist Aufzuleiden!" Rilke

how much suffering there is ...: Wie viel ist aufzuleiden ...

Monday, June 12, 2006

Wie viel ist aufzuleiden ...

This is a “sister site” to my main blog, The Inner Voice of the CrazyComposer. My main passions are easy to define: I am a composer and writer. For most of my life I have felt defined by what I do, which suits me just fine; answering the creative imperative is something that I believe to be a calling, something that people do not necessarily choose for careers but are rather chosen to be.

Unfortunately, this only scratches the surface of my life, and it brings to light something that I have been struggling with for more than half my life. At first it seemed to be something completely unrelated to the creative aspect of my life, but as time went on I began to discover that there was a certain symbiosis existing between things that otherwise didn’t seem to have any redeeming qualities. As things in my life became worse it became apparent that there was a closer connection between my ability to create and my mood than I’d ever imagined.

In short, I discovered that there was a close connection to my being a creative individual and the fact that I have an affective disorder. Bi-polar affective disorder, which is commonly known as “manic depression” drives the moods upwards, and then there are plummets into depths that are astoundingly dark. Something I like to call the “Roller Coaster Ride from Hell”.

If that weren’t enough, there is the fibromyalgia. To describe fibromyalgia to someone who is unfamiliar with this condition is like trying to describe the pain of a kidney stone to someone who has never had one: there really isn’t anything that you can refer to as a concordance for the pain. On any given day there can be pain in any (or all) of the major muscles, the spaces between my ribs (connective tissue), anywhere along my back, arms, legs, neck, ....

It isn’t something that I even want to describe, but ... I need a first post. Sorry. I’m preparing something that will explain things a bit better, and there will be some great links to resources on fibromyalgia and bi-polar disorder.

The main focus of this blog, as per the title, is the idea of suffering. I have chosen a quote by Rainer Maria Rilke, a great poet of the turn of the twentieth century, to represent the philosophy: Wie viel ist aufzuleiden. “How much suffering there is to go through” is essentially what Rilke said, and it reflects a great deal about what gets me through life. When we have a reason to live we can overcome any obstacle that stands in our way - that is how I have to think in order to be able to continue creating things while trying to cope with chronic pain and mood swings.

Wie viel ist aufzuleiden.

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